Well, I'm hoping to actually publish this thing at some point, so I'm only going to post excerts from the story instead of the whole thing, but here's the opening scene for your enjoyment.

[b][i][size=150][color=yellow]Star Wars: The Waking Foe

With a flash the metallic shape of a starfighter tumbled out of hyperspace. Along it’s sides were a pair of green and white stripes separated by a red triangle, the new combat symbol of the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances glinted in the distant light of a blue sun. The fighter banked and rolled the moment it dropped out of hyperspace. Seconds later another fighter flashed into existence behind it. The steel grey craft barrel rolled onto the first craft’s tail, blue practice lasers blazing away in fury.

The eight trails of laser fire from the chiss clawcraft followed fast behind the weaving X-wing. With a flash of ignited ion drives the X-wing shot ahead, maneuvering into a barrel roll. The chiss clawcraft easily followed and continued blazing away. Then suddenly the X-wing reversed coming straight back at the fast approaching foe, it fired.

The blue hued practice lasers stabbed through space and into the shields of the Chiss Clawcraft and the fighter rolled away with a pair of bright yellow strobes flashing in space.

Jaina smiled tightly to herself as she maneuvered her X-wing to come up alongside the clawcraft. Her comm crackled on a moment later, “Good shooting sticks, I see that a couple months of unauthorized leave from the military haven’t tarnished your skills.â€

Interesting... Way too fast on the romance thing, though, would be my suggestion. The whole tear-from-Jaina-thing is kinda premature... Though I was sorta waiting for Jag and Jaina to go out since I prematurely read Rebel Dream... It was really confusing since I was going on what I had heard, at the time only having read the first chapter of Vector Prime and being very confused by it... Anyway, good writing style, etc. but it feels too rushed.

Nice stuff!

May i ask who the waking foe is? Does it start with an R?

Huh, Jaina dumped Jag already?!? Why!!

By the way, would this be an official LucasBooks book?

Some dumb author had her do it in the Dark Nest book... Official? Well if I get it actually published, if not I'll post it as fanfiction.



Mad, do you even have to ask?

Overall, looks like a very promising and appealing story. Just afew things that I feel need to be looked at and possibly reconsidered:




If this book is to be set in the time period that it appears, (that is, several years after the NJO) then the symbol wouldn't be new anymore. If it has been changed in the intervening years, I feel that that would be worth mentioning.




Now, I'm pretty sure that this is some kind of practice system that they're using where the strobes indicate a simulated kill, and I feel that if that is the case that it should be better explained. I have never seen a system like that in any SW novels I have read (though I've by no means read them all). If it is a new system you invented for the book, then you should explain it alittle better.


[quote]“Good shooting sticks, I see that a couple months of unauthorized leave from the military haven’t tarnished your skills.â€

It seems Thrawn has little idea as to how convoluted a backhistory we've woven for the Rapora. In many ways I've designed them so that they've always been there in the background...

The Rapora not only are of the Star Wars galaxy but were among one of the chief players in the Infinite Empire. Many commonly used technologies in star wars were originally designed by them... the turbolaser, the pulse beam, cortosis armor, droid and robotic defenses, lightsabers, replication, and repuslor technology.

After the collapse of the infinite empire the Rapora lost a large amount of their technological development especially in the field of robotics and droids. In other fields their technological developments surged ahead. Their energy shielding technology is as much as two-hundred years further developed then the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances. Their weaponary also surged forward with research into plasma arms. Unlike the Vong's plasma weaponary the Raporan equipment is technological and much more predictable to the user making it more effective. Often times a single plasma cannon can inflict more damage then an entire bank of turbolasers and the Rapora have developed variations of the design which surpass the destructive potential of a superlaser.

We've all heard about the dangerous groups out in the unknown regions, one of these groups is the Rapora. In fact it is the same group which led to his downfall. Thrawn ordered a strike on the Raporan homeworld soon after the destruction of Outbound Flight. The attack cost the chiss dearly but succeeded in forcing the Rapora to rebuild their military potential... After the attack Thrawn was charged and sent into exhile.

Around the same time Palpatine brokered a deal with the trade federation that sold the Rapora both the designs for droid brains and droidekas... This piece of technology would prove vital in allowing a single star system to threaten the entire galaxy.

Stellar, the Rapora seem a lot like the Yevetha, what with a threat emanating from a single star system and all. Why do all of these books have to be about threats? Why can't it be an adventure of some kind and then one of the main heroes does something to piss a Raporan off (like look at them the wrong way) and then they go and attack the Galactic Alliance because of that?

And what is this "Infinite Empire" you are talking about..? I have never heard of that, I think making all of the common technologies designed by them is going way too far. If they were so big they would've been spread out all over the galaxy, or go back to a lesser technological state, or help out in the war against the Yuuzhan Vong.

Plus, the Rakatan Empire existed thousands of years before the Galactic Republic, and they invented the hyperdrive, so I think a little credit would go to them . See, KOTOR only said they invented the hyperdrive, a little thing like that is okay, and the Rakatans went extinct.

You are saying they invented everything (well, not everything) then all traces of them disappeared and they've been waiting until a random moment (when the whole galaxy is allied and strongest??? why not attack during the GCW or CW or YVW?). Seems like too much to swallow IMHO. Change the the universe's backstory in small steps if you're going to do it .

Oh, and, for your starter you could have Thrawn attacking their homeworld after Outbound Flight and explain why they've been living in isolation for all of these years..! Maybe they had a great civil war on their planet and forgot how to use technology then when Outbound Flight comes they get their ship, etc.

Well the simple answer to your questions JI is this... The Rakatan Empire and the Infinite Empire are one and the same. The Rapora were part of the Empires military wing, and when they fell they lost most of their technology.

The actual cause of the demise of the empire has never been fully explained, but the most likely cause is that of an internal uprising by the slaves. Because of the fact that a large portion of the Infinite Empire's technology involves application and manipulation of the force the revolt was probably led by forceusers, perhaps the precursors of the Jedi.

The Rapora want a return to their former glory but because they're only a single star system they have to develop a means of occuping territory with an extremely small number of warriors. To do this they need very advanced droids, which until this point in the timeline haven't finished development.

Is the galaxy as strong as JI states, probably not. The Jedi have been cut in half by the Yuuzhan Vong invasion, and a period of punctuated peace has begun. The major powers of the Galaxy are disarming to pre-Vong levels, they'll have to gear up once more once the Rapora become a threat. If that isn't enough the Rapora have technologies that enable them to produce ships and droids many times faster then the GFFA. Their only limit is crewing those same ships.



I don't know about you but... how many alien species have we seen that are humans with aestetic changes... I prefer using species that are less humanoid then other peoples. The Raproa are designed as Saurian bipeds, sure. Other alien races that will come to play a part will include the Aklasp, a race that not only isn't humanoid but isn't carbon based. (Silicate lifeforms are fun.)

Well yes the Rakata used slaves... They're also probably responsible for spreading the human race everywhere in the Star Wars universe. But the Rapora are in many ways worth less then slaves to the Rakata. The Rapora were genetically engineered to be killing machines... This also leads us into some stuff on the Raporan religion and worship of those who exercise use of the dark side.

For one thing that artist's rendering of the Ssi-ruuk doesn't agree with how I imagined them. I felt they should look more bird like with beaks and so forth then how they're portrayed.

Now about the Chiss and Rapora I just finished a rough draft of a possible exposition for the story which takes us back to Thrawn's premptive action against the Rapora which cost him his career. I'd like to note that this is a very rough draft but... enjoy.

[color=yellow][size=150][b][i]The grey hull of the chiss vessel Mitth Spear slid through the darkness of space. Only the occasional glint of a running light lit the vessel as it slid forward. The craft’s rough edges and planes bent light in strange angles across the hull two dark blue stripes decorated the ship’s sides designating it as a vessel of the Mitth Family. Swiftly a flight of chiss gull winged fighters slid up beside the larger vessel. Their twin ion drives blazed bright in the darkness of space as they maneuvered to protect the larger vessel.

There were more ships out there, dozens of glinting hulls, each another vessel in Chiss Expansionary Defense Force. The occasionally flash of an ignited ion drive would illuminate the position of the squadrons of chiss fighters scattered amongst the fleet, awaiting the go order. For the captains of the ships, they knew that no matter what happened this day their careers were already over. They were breaking the code of honor inscribed in every chiss officer and soldier. They were preempting an enemy force.

Onboard the Mitth Spear’s bridge Commander Mitth’raw’nuruodo glanced down the list of status reports from each ship in the assembled flotilla, “Is everything ready?â€

Okay, well I really hope you explain this in one of your books, and also that Infinite Empire == Rakatan Empire. Speaking of which, a nice little backstory from the Raporan's point of view about the Infinite Empire would be nice and give us a bigger glance into Star Wars history. In it you could mention subtly that the Rakatans and their Empire were the first to invent all of the modern things like turbolasers, shields, etc... instead of mentioning it in a random blurb . And if people know that the Rakatans genetically engineered the Raporans then they'll be more apt to believe they were more than just an enslaved race!

This actually reminds me of a plot, the Empire dies, but the military wing stays alive throughout the ages.. I can't quite put my hand on it, maybe Andromeda and the lost High Guard fleet?

In response to your rough draft:
First off, I would really appreciate a description somewhere in the book (hopefully before the fighting begins) of how the Chiss ships, and the Replicator (lol stargate??) look like. Because in my mind I am reading it and I have a hard time knowing what you are talking about when all you say is that the Raporan ships had a red-gleaming hull. However, this would be a better opening then the first one I think, captures the situation better. You could then intermittently write a few paragraphs throughout the book so the reader only sees the necessary backstory "on-demand" instead of being fed it all at once.

By the way, are you writing this book completely and then asking for a contract, or ask for a contract and then finish the book? It's got talent, good luck to you!

An interesting idea. That era of the SW Universe has never been fully explained. There is (I was surprised when I found that on google) a wiki page on the Rakatan Empire that does identify it as the Infinite Empire. Link But there's not much information to be found there or elsewhere.

The Ssiruuvi are more reptilian than birdlike, so you could even built in the possibility that either the Ssi-ruuvi are descendants of lost Rapora, or descendants of similar genetical experiments by the Rakata. There's also Centerpoint and the Killiks, Xim the Conqueror and some other few references to that era, but there is no real unity there. A short story of the falling apart in that era would be an interesting piece of knowledge, and even a good prologue for the Rapora storyline.

Well, you wanted a better discription of the vessels... Here's the Raporan Replicator...

[color=yellow][size=150][b][i]Thrawn nodded to his subordinate, “Thank you Captain Halien. Helm, bring us to flank speed. Guns, target the replicator. That’s our objective.â€